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Talking about how my childhood was or my experience was, now I feel that is just additional information about me. Many texts need a context to understand, but people don’t want to understand someone with context. It seems people think “Present” shows everything about that person. Maybe that is what they believe. At least, that was how I felt. Well, sometimes there is someone who can understand me without any explanation. When I across that person I feel free from any language. One hand, I doubt that will never happen, on the other my mind, I believe there could be someone I can be there without any language. And that is the one I should stay keep.

I have a reason why I obsess about the communication, why I crazy about the image. But I’ll skip that part. Because I don’t think someone cares about the reasons that much as much I did and I do to you.

There was and is one thing I keep saying about. “Neutral Design” or “Neutral Image”. I know it is not trendy in this era. Many people believe that we need to fight for our concept, for our ideology, for our belief. Without fighting for your possession, you are letting the other to take it. This is the one I never understand. First of all, I ideology is my soul, you can have yours but you will never change mine, even if you are dominating the whole world. It is not like possession or property that you can buy or change. You can influence it, but it is not because of you. I am the one who made a change.

When I was just started my MA course, and when I spoke out that I want to be neutral, people asked me that if I spoke out something that will never be neutral. I agree. I am a stubborn person. I will try to keep mine because it is “me”. But when I was saying I want to be “neutral”, I meant that I am prepared to accept there is another ideology. That is my “Neutral”. Neutral is not means whatever it is, you keep it gray, but it means you bear in your mind there is another way to see. As much you believe something, there should be someone equally believes the other thing.

Someone told me I am Utopianist. I don’t think so. I am not Utopianist, but I am actualist. I still don’t understand why some people don’t understand differences that two things. I believe we all different. If someone believes that we all can be united by something, I want to call s/he Utopianist.

Of course, I can’t deny that I met someone or sometimes I never can understand. If you know me, you will know when I say “thinking” means literally think fully. I still don’t get it. I want to get a clear answer. As much I desire of communication, I have a hunger about the clearness. It is contradictional speech, I know. Because I believe the diversity of the meaning of communication, then I am telling you I desire of definitiveness. One hand, I promoting “Neutral”, then the other hand, I am claiming the importance of determination. I think it is coming together. As I said above, to be neutral, you should be clear what position you are sitting. Individually, we should be clear about what is individual is, who I am. Only then, it is possible who are they, and who you are.

I am trying. Of course, I am not SAINT. I have a lot of drawbacks as you have. Quantity is not the matter, but the quality is positioning us. I don’t believe any of human-decided standard. I don’t believe any of standard. It is not standard but it is culture. Depend on time, it is changing.

Fuck. I have a lot of things wanted to say. I forgot. I forgot how to put here. Maybe it is time to say nothing.

I know it is a boring theme to talk. I am a boring person. Or my interest is boring. If it is boring it is not because of this topic, nothing wrong with this topic. It could I am talking in a very boring way.

What I wanted to say, that songs talked instead of me.

Fucking messy

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