“To die will be an awfully big adventure.”
From Chrismas, I worked very hard and trying to do my best. First thing I want to make clear is “I was not that kind of person who only works and only works”. I love to drink, I love to dance and I love to love. Without thinking and just go straight until I can’t go anymore. I still remember all the night hang out with friends singing at the Karaoke until dawn. I miss that moment with my friend talking about the life and love with lots of alcohols. Yeah, maybe the key word is “alcohol” here. HA
Drink until die.
It sounds stupid, but it was the time we all just wanted to be together. All night All day.
I have that fantasy with me. A fantasy that someday I can never worry about all my flaw and inferiority complex, and drink with my person until both die in same bed. Talking about each other, from deep inside of monsters and high dreams of unicorns. That is only my romance. Conquer the humanity together.
It is easy to find someone physically attractive. Few elements, few parts of the attraction and magic of the dumb water then BOOM. However, it is not easy to find someone who can share a total of me. Totality, exposure of the inside monsters. The bravery for the Admission only can show the life relationship. Admit the monsters inside of me and show as it is. Tell him I am not the perfect person and I am not even trying to be perfect but be myself. This is the most difficult part of the relationship. Because the ego will not let you do it. Ego, the existence of mind continuously trying to hold the reason why am I in this world and why I should be here. As soon as you are not wanting to be perfect and not want to good person for society, ego would lose its firm foundation. This is the error of the “Future”. Ego’s reasoning towards the future not for now.
I am not the exception. But when I doing a project I really try hard to ask myself what I want to show “NOW” rather than what I want to make in the future. I am not living in possibilities. I don’t want to become a “Possibility”. I am who I am now. I can be changed but that is “I will” choose to be.
But, So many excuses distracting me. I have no longer clear judgement about my decisions. Is it just excuse or my decision? Are my ego and myself still struggling? Who was it when I decide not to/to do it?
Life is short. I started realising that the word “life is short” is not literal means of the shortness. The real meaning is the time of “Present” is passing by. The volume of the life. The volume is conclusive as each moment is. Each of “Present moment” is completely fixed and closed, which will never be getting back again. Maybe our life is amassed moment. The volume of the life is not experienced by systematic “Time”, which is defined by certain rules of the others.
I am not satisfied by only tackling the future. I want the total death of the Time. Distortion and destruction of the time. That’s, I believe, the only way to make myself forward, without any configurations.
Just suddenly, I wanted to spend a time with deep conversation. The conversation that can make me forget the volume of the time.
Sweet death of Present.