Few weeks I couldn’t rid of thought about my memories. I don’t know why it started or why it keeps coming back. Maybe because of the weather, or perhaps I am living in the past, as always.
A few days ago, I had a conversation about the loneliness. She said this city makes us lonely. At that point, I started thinking about loneliness, the isolation in general. I am very familiar with loneliness. My entire life was living in fear and experience that I can be fade away from the others. My childhood and teenager was surviving from the isolation. I witnessed adults’ crying, shouting, and misery. It seemed much better to live in my head, in my fantasy. I tried to figure out how to deal with being alone and building my world in my head. All kind of childish escape I can try at that age, TV, video game, books and finally sleep had been tried. I can say I am really good at this. At least I believe so. That disbelief of the human or to the communication maybe already started from very early age. Communication is not starting until somebody really desires it. Tossing the voices and touches cannot reach to the mind. The information is not communication. I desired to share my mind with someone. Communication is carving my name on to the other’s heart and scare over for life. No matter I believe or not, I just desired and craved to be carved and tamed.
I think I was lucky. I met some peoples. Even before I could understand myself, they tried to listen and understand me. For me, it was a miracle, that cannot be true. Yes, that was the problem. It can’t be right. In my world, either I was dreaming, or I got wrong. Two different of thought standing each other. Fear and Desire. I don’t think this is because of the city where I am living in. At least, it is not my loneliness. I still remember I lost relationships because even my ego and belief cannot be together. Desiring is dedication. Truly wanting something as if I ready to sacrifice myself. I couldn’t release ego and belief’s fight. That was the reason for loneliness.
I don’t know I am prepared for not to be lonely. And sometimes I think maybe I want to be tamed violently, so makes my mind dull not to think anything. Like on a high as hell.