When I was younger than now, I thought if making memory is this much painful, then I don’t want to making another one. How naive thinking it was. How I could think that I can control the flow of my life. Isolating myself and becoming the outsider was not the answer. Anything I have done bring me to the other desire of connection. Maybe I wanted strong link that I can feel absolute relationship. Maybe isolating myself means was just wanting someone come to my island and find me. I know it is very selfish idea. How dare I can say to someone ”please come to get me”. I am not that worth it I thought, but I wanted someone who can makes me I am worth it. Two very different desire’s collision made me lonely.
For a long time, I have lost my chances to give the map to someone who desired to find my island. What I afraid of? The possibility of actually someone can get in my island or the possibility that someone who find my island and leave again. I think it might be both. All the time, very last moment before someone reach my island, I pulled off the rope. And during watching that rope sinking down to the water deep, I was regretting that I did not do anything and even push away.
At this trip to Czech, when I see the my group’s photo, I realized how selfish I am. In my photo I was seeing them but not participated inside. I was like a satellite. Surprised how sweet they were and when I saw how they took the photo of me, I wanted cry little. Why I cannot take that sweet and warm picture. Blaming myself why I always step back from it. Why I am looking someone from far way? During I am writing this, I was still thinking the reason why I am 3rd person in my photo. And then reached one answer. Maybe that is the photo that I wanted to see the world through the photo. As I believed about the photography, for me, photo is observation. The photo is not for anyone but for me. It is my eyes and my thought about outside of the world. On one hand, I wanted remaining and anchor the moment or thinking I was there. On the other hand, I was sad I am just observer. Perfectly personalised photo makes me feel isolated loneliness. And when I see my photo, I can feel my loneliness.
Expressing my happiness and desire is too hard and painful. Seeing the emotion through the photo is much harder. More and more I am wanting to anchor my feeling and memories, more and more pains come to me. One very stubborn outsider is there. Refuses to take their love and choose to remain outsider even though feel so hard.
I hope someone can teach me to lower the deck and hold the rope. I don’t want say to myself trifling and lame excuses anymore. But becoming satellite is good sometime because I can observe and realize how I am lucky to be surrounding this sweetest moment, only I am not part of that surrounding. Every moment is so precious and shiny to me. I am smiling and crying with each eye. Two emotions always come to in same time. So sad and so happy.