New term is starting next week. I can’t believe already 5 days passed since I came back from Prague. 5 days, I have read half of a book, I dyed my hair again — turned out the colour wasn’t strong enough even I cannot recognise I have dyed or not. Still I couldn’t change my beer habit and laziness. And I found my finger nail colour all gone.
Just before Prague, I went to Christmas party. Although one third of my memories are gone and I have lost my new cute beanie , I didn’t lost Christmas gift from my friend which was pretty pink nail varnish. I wanted to do something new to me. So, I manicured my nail. Pink. So pink nail. I am not the one who always dressed up. My nails are short. Since I played piano when I was very young, I keep my nails short. My pink nails made me feel changed. As if Dorothy found red shoes, I felt something new.
So amazing time passed by so quickly. Everything made me amazed and stunned. Lovely companies and sweet times. I had some great conversation about photography and learn from them how to enjoy the moment. Until very last moment, I couldn’t realise this trip would be end some point. As a child who already ate dozens of chocolate, but still pestering more chocolate. I deeply wanted badger for more time. I wanted more time with them at far away place from the life.
And then, last day morning I had found one of my nail varnish had gone. Clearly came off from my finger. It often happened before. Sometimes when I spread too much, because of the thickness it fall apart from the nails. But this time, it hit my head strongly. It seemed saying to me “time to go back kid”
“But I don’t want to!”
I wanted shout. I didn’t expect that I can so into it. I didn’t expect that I would leave my heart that place. So, I haven’t prepared at all about loss.
Today, I had a conversation about the “death”. He told me because he felt so depressed he wanted to die. I asked him what is the image about death? He said it is like turn off the computer or Log off the game. I asked again “but still there is computer? still remained computer is there” He answered, to him, death is likes switch off. I was wonder why he can feel even after effacement. I said to him, “Death” is complete vanishing to me. Anything can’t remains. It seemed his opinion was premised on an idea that there will be something after-life. To me, it is perfect elimination. As if nothing was there before and nothing will be there after. Of course, the others could have memories of me. But, that is their memories of me, they can’t say that is me. Maybe they could have past-me. However, because there is no present-me and future-me, they cannot have “me” after all.
And then, I asked him again. When you think about “death” you think it is just Sleep mode or Shut down as computer, maybe when you are thinking about death, you just wanted to rest from the stress. But, it’s not real death, at least that is not real death to me. Because you still thinking about after.
Because mine and his idea was built on different premise, we couldn’t sure anything. Who can absolutely sure about that? Only the one who can tell the feeling about death is someone who just died, and he can’t tell us. I thought after that conversation that my death won’t be sad. I can feel about “Pre-death” but not actual “Death”. After all, anything — my feeling, my emotion, my memories and my thought will be gone that moment. I can’t think anything, I can’t feel anything. Sadness of the disappearing is for future-me who has future time.
Today, I have found my whole nail colour is no longer there. I was sad. Someone might think I am too sentimental. Oh yeah, I won’t deny that. I put meaning on everything. Everything means to me. There is no such a insignificant moment or thing to me. At same time, I have thought, because Trip was not absolute disappearing, so I can feel sad about my memories — my short trip. Maybe I can manicure Pink again. Maybe I can keep bare for next. Who knows? Only the person who can tell me about future feeling is only Future-me.