Incoherent Thoughts

 

Today, I played the songs which I liked long time ago. Full of memories came to my mind. Happiness and sadness even madness, all feelings were not separated but combined existence. Delivered memories hurt brutally but also I was so happy I have it. If there is a relationship which only have happy memories, I believe, that is false recollection which is made and altered by brains.

What are the element of memories?

This is one of never-ending but most triggering question for me. Every second passed and carved one room in our mind. Most of them stored side of brains and some preserved our main part. It impact our characteristic feature, sometime changes general personality even we cannot recognise it. I am certain that is very important what precisely affected us. Which memories and experience were most powerful on our lives. Figuring out process make solid idea about art or even life. What I like most? Why I started adore of it? All the questions and answering are seem boring stages. However, it is foundation of my life and very difficult to find the accurate answer.

My memories are not clear all the time. Some are barely stayed and some are gone long before. However, few memories are following all the time. Funny thing is, biggest all-the-time memory is about a boy who was at same school. Although, I cannot reach him nor can find him on the internet (skilfully disappeared) I can remember his face vividly. I do not (possibly) want to find him and just keep the memory with me. Over a year, I had had one-sided love with him. Tell the ending first, it was not goes well, I mean, it cruelly over. I am still thinking if I did not declare my feeling how things went. Maybe we would be good friend or same as now. Even now, he was my ideal type. He had very bad drunk habit, he cannot read other’s mind and he was kind of selfish and liked woman too much. But, he had kind mind and cute smile face. And he had me. I desperately wanted to close with him and became a FRIEND. I wanted further relationship but he saw me as a friends, moreover, he did not see me as a woman.

That time, I tried make up and wear dresses to be a woman. I hoped maybe he saw me changed then he could reconsidered about me. ( oh, young me ) I even practice Korean songs that I do not heard about. It was naive and silly idea. It was not about myself. Even though I had changed that moment, it would not satisfy me. I was too much focused my feeling could not see his feeling. I pushed until he leave me forever.

Any experience impact personality greatly. Through my recollection I learnt that this childish dependent behaviour makes situation worse. I realise mature relationship formate without fear from separation. It is hard to get but worth to find precious stone. I am still growing inside and finding myself to spread my wings to the world. Still miss him? Of course I am. But I think I miss that moment more when I purely wanting something until I have it. Maybe someday, I can be freed from that pain too.

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