Sometimes – or all the time – I think, if I exposed my very personal thinking, no one can stand with me. Pessimistic and dangerously stubborn my character shows my own idea about the world. This blog was kind of challenge exposure myself. As Photographer uses liquid and tied up the moment on the paper which is not moment we share, if I can say taking photo is same as thinking, chemical process is writing. Writing anchor the thinking and prevent flow away. Interestingly, once anchored thinking cannot be same as the thinking when it appeared to mind. Water and anchor interact each other made another tide. Here’s writing was me but not anymore. Many of them are about past my story, but it is present past. Not same as the moment it happened.
Since I have started to think about myself a lot. I realised past and now me is too different. Some of inclination is same but lots of them are changed. It looks like there is missing empty space. I am very excitable. Regardless of what kind of emotion, I easily fell in love and get anger. Easily decide to get the conclusion. I also addict something easily. I guess now I addicted with relationship. I wanted show and give them what they want so they like me. Facebook was not my thing. Even I didn’t use text much before. I can eat alone. Don’t care I eat alone. I like to go cinema alone. I avoid crowded place, especially more than 5 people group is the space that I start keep silence. I can stay only inside of the room. I liked to travel alone. Like to take a bus and watch people. Then, something changed. I constantly check the other’s state and reply on my post. Want to listening their voice and show them I am listening.
What’s happening? I am confusing. Now I am looking for the gathering all the time. I want talk and meet people. Is that really I am changed? or I just feel lonely? I had cruel self-regulation which deprived my freedom and provide constancy. Now, that is gone. I started hate myself. I hate being chubby greedy, I don’t like that I started rely on someone. Dependence made me weak. I feel like I am tamed. I want to be unique. And I am sad that I am not unique. I am just one of person who has name “Moon”. People have no need of me. I cannot participate with their life but witnessing. Transient relationship cannot be solution. I continuously arouse myself “You are changing, you should decide you would like it or not”. If not, I will started hate myself.
Still, my thinking about the world is much softened – or brighter than when I was child. Young me couldn’t find the reason why should I live. All the time, even if I found something want to do, I lost my interest very fast – that is almost same with now. My dream was scientist. More accurately say, I wanted to witness the star in my own eye. Even if it has 50/50 to die from the Spaceship – or because there is chance to die with stars, I would gladly go aboard for burning with stars. But for me, Space was more likes fantasy and Utopia which never can be true. Because it is fantasy, it has fascination. I like space. I still love Star Wars and check Sci-fi movies and novels. Yes, my first love was Luke Skywalker! I love to imagine somewhere else. Somewhere that can makes me forget about that I’m alive.
Recently, I could not focus reading novel books. Even I couldn’t start to read. It was first time my mind refuses to read. On the bright fact that I can suppose is I am enjoying present, but I also can say that I have no space to think others. Full packed my mind rejects Utopia. I have a fear that this life road is mine or not. I have doubt about my ability. Greedy me is whipping me If I am not the best, it is same as you are doing nothing. naive me is saying “Whatever”. Funny thing is, turns out I have masochist tendency haha. Be whipped and still standing there and do nothing. After all, nothing left there. Maybe fear is the one reason that I can’t read novel. I miss the time when I can bear and enjoy soleness.
Tomorrow, I’m going to Prague. I hope it can change this confusing situation. Hope this travel tells me about the answer. Stop my drunkenness.