30 years is not short time. I had a chance to have a lot of memories. In many times, that was one-sided record on my brain. Now, I remember as wonderful time. But I think it was not best moment all the time.
I was picky. I was annoyed person I have ever met. I easily got bored and incidentally changed plans. I hated got bored and be lonely. I was distracted by my own world often – and still do. I wanted someone only smile at me all the time, and even angry at me only. I wanted possess whole thing. I wanted whole warmth from the hand, and whole sadness from the heart. I wanted dad, brother and friend and lover. Impatient. That was me.
I have a big problem. I cannot easily sympathize to the other’s emotion. I know what is happening, and I can tell what is best choice to them, but to me hardest part was that I don’t know how to comfort them. I was just analyse situation and emotion, but couldn’t share their feeling. Even sometime, I couldn’t understand what they want from me. Advise? or a solution? I wanted avoid bewildered situation, but also, I wanted share their feeling in same way. To stranger or just friend, it is not big problem. Just I couldn’t be with them totally, and I got lonely in same time. However, when it comes to intimate relationship, it became huge problem.
I cannot pretending normal, and I should not pretending someone is not me. I must showed bare myself, even if that became boomerang to me. That is the relationship what I think. Someone who can share ugly face. Selfish drunker. Who Wants have it all but do not know how to have it all dumm drunker. Too suspicious drunker who can’t believe there will be someone who really like me. Because I know I can’t give them what they want from me, so having a doubt that it will end soon after. Self defensive drunker. Self-hate drunker.
Maybe, this is just pessimism. I might be very nice person or even very attractive person. Even though I have lots of problem, because human cannot be perfect, I am part of that.
I want to see bright side. It is very hard today. Tomorrow will be different.
I will be back to self-confidence funny Moon tomorrow.